Walking with Makenna Painting Auction 2018

Saying Good-Bye to my Baby Girl Makenna

Makenna's Fifth Annual Painting Auction

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Painting a Path Towards Healing

This is the 5th year I have held a painting auction in honor of my daughter Makenna.  Makenna was born with the chromosomal disorder of Trisomy 18 and lived for 47 days before returning to Heaven.  In order to help my healing from grief and to remember her, I started an annual painting auction in Makenna's honor.  I donate the proceeds to a charity that helped our family and Makenna during our darkest times.  This year's painting auction will run from June 25-June 29. 

All the proceeds from this year's auction will be donated to the Trisomy 18 Foundation.  "Trisomy 18 is a life-threatening disorder that impacts about 1 out of every 2000 pregnancies in the U.S.  Usually diagnosed in pregnancy, Trisomy 18 steals many dreams, but the Trisomy 18 Foundation helps parents create new dreams for their child and for their families.  Hope is at the heart of the Trisomy 18 Foundation: we represent the hope that those lost to Trisomy 18 will never be forgotten, that those who face Trisomy 18 will be supported and that one day Trisomy 18 will be eliminated"  (statement from the Trisomy 18 Foundation Website)


When I first found out that Makenna was born with Trisomy 18 disorder, I was confused, mad, distraught, and ultimately at a lost to know what to do.  We had doctors telling us there was a 50% chance she wouldn't live past a week and a 95% chance she would die within a year.  We were told we could "pull the plug" at anytime.  And what did it matter?  She would die anyways.  But, as a mother, how can you decide when your child should die?  I could not make that decision!!  I would not make that decision!!  I finally decided I would leave her life in God's hands.  He gave her to me and He could decide when it was her time to return.  This brought me an immense sense of peace and comfort.

The Trisomy 18 Foundation helped us during this confusing and tragic time.  They helped teach us what the condition was and most importantly, put us in touch with other families that had children born with a Trisomy 18 disorder.  It was such a comfort to learn we were not alone and that each family dealt with their tragedy in the best way they could.  Some tried to keep their T18 child alive at all costs while others let nature take its course.  The decision has to be the families to make, because they are the ones that have to live with it.  Eventually, we decided to not "pull the plug" on Makenna, but to keep her as comfortable as possible while leaving it in the hands of God as to when she would die.  I will always be grateful for the help we got from the Trisomy 18 Foundation, they were there when we needed answers.  I am happy to be donating to this organization this year in hopes of helping more families that have to learn about Trisomy 18.   

My Angel, she was one tough girl!

Walking with Makenna Auction 2018

There are several ways in which you can help contribute to this year's Walking with Makenna Auction.  I am auctioning one of my original watercolor paintings.  Also, there are 6 other paintings graciously donated by some fabulous artist friends of mine for the cause (Lori Putnam, Julie Riker, Beth Bathe, Cindy Baron, Kristi Grussendorf, and Olena Babak).  You can see all 7 paintings on the sidebar.  Just click on one of the paintings to be linked to the auction site.

The auction starts on Monday June 25 @6:00 am (EST) and ends Friday June 29 @11:55 pm (EST)

In addition, for those who wish to donate money without bidding on a painting there is a "Donate Now" button.  In appreciation, the first 10 people to donate $30 or more will receive a gift.  The first 5 people to donate more than $30 will receive a pack of greeting cards with images of paintings by Barbara Rallo.  The second group of 5 people to donate $30 or more will receive a pack of greeting cards with images of watercolor paintings by Brienne M Brown.  In order to donate or bid on a painting, please register on the website:  Walking with Makenna.

Walking with Makenna Auction Site

Last year I was able to raise  $1800 for the Ronald McDonald House, so this year my goal is to raise $2500 for the Trisomy 18 Foundation.  Thank you for your generosity, support, and help.  You will not only help me remember and honor my angel, you will help other families deal with the fear of having a Trisomy 18 child.  

God Bless You!

Brienne and Makenna

Gift of Appreciation for the First 5 people to Donate $30 or more(Pack of greeting cards with images by Barbara Rallo)

Gift of Appreciation for the Second group of 5 people to Donate $30 or more
(Pack of greeting cards with images by Brienne M Brown)

For those wondering...  Cedrik, Makenna's little brother, is now 1 year old and is doing great!
We are so blessed!

My Journey Through Grief

Grief is one of those emotions in life that few people escape from.  At some point in life, everyone loses something or someone they care for deeply.  I think most of us want to avoid grief in our lives, I know I did.  However, after losing my daughter Makenna 4 years ago, I have learned more about grief.  If we let it, grief can shape us into better and more compassionate people.  

I have wanted to write this blog for over a year now.  With Makenna's little brother about to be born, this seems like the perfect time to share some of my thoughts on grief.

Grief is a journey to travel, not a destination to strive for...

The sorrow that comes with the grief of losing someone dear to us hurts.  It is painful!  It is totally understandable why we would want to rush through it and not feel it.  I remember when I first found out that Makenna would not survive, but die young...  I couldn't breath.  I had never before felt such pain and despair.  I thought that I would suffocate from the weight of it.  During that dark time, it was hard to let anything else in.  Reason didn't work, encouraging words from friends and family didn't penetrate.  The only thing I could do was feel the pain.  

However, I was able to get out of that hole.  I can tell you what helped me out, but it is different for everyone.  For me, it was faith and hope.  Putting my trust in God is what helped relieve my burden enough to breath again.  This does not mean the pain went away, but it did ease up enough.  Then I had to face the 5 stages of grief.  There are different forms of this.  I have seen 4 stages or 7 stages.  I am not going to go into detail about these stages.  The 5 I learned about are:

     1.  Denial

     2.  Anger

     3.  Bargaining

     4.  Depression

     5.  Acceptance

These stages of grief are not linear!!  You don't travel through stages 1 through 4 and end on 5.  That is not how it works.  I continue to travel through these stages.  Sometimes I do have a feeling of acceptance and peace about Makenna's death and then suddenly the depression or anger will return without a warning.  As time has passed, I am more often in a state of acceptance, but I can feel the other four stages at any point.  This is not a failure!  It is a reality of how I grieve.   

I have learned that we should not have a goal of curing ourselves from grief but a goal of living with our grief.  Grief is a journey we meander through, not a path to run through trying to get to the end.

We grieve deeply because we love deeply...

The only way I can think of to not feel grief, is to not love.  I do not think that is a good trade off.  I would rather feel the joy and happiness of loving someone deeply than be safe from feeling the pain of grief.  You can't have both!  I would never give up the deep love I feel for Makenna, and the time I got to spend with her, for never having to feel the pain of losing her.  They go hand in hand!  I can't separate grief and love.  Nor would I want to.  

For me, this was a really useful revelation.  It has helped me to accept my grief and not try to fight it.  Even though I still have times when the despair and anger return, there are times I am overwhelmed with love for her as well.  I now truly understand the term "bittersweet".  That is how grief and love feel together.  I can truly say that I am grateful for both feelings!

Increasing the love around us helps to suppress the sorrows of grief...

We have a choice.  We can either close ourselves off to the world, becoming more bitter and angry OR we can open ourselves up to others, becoming more compassionate and loving.  For some reason, it surprised me how easy the path to anger and bitterness was.  The first year after Makenna's death, I had to make the choice almost daily how I would react.  Some days I chose the easier path and just wallowed in the sadness and let the bitterness and anger take over.  This path may be easier to take, but it never brought me more comfort.  I just existed in that still, dark place.

However, on the days that I made more of an effort to reach out side myself, I was usually able to find a little more peace and healing.  This is why I started this blog about Makenna and why I would start talking about her with others.  At first, it was very hard to talk about her and not open up the wound that I so desperately wanted to hide.  However, each time I did I could feel some of those bitter and angry feelings siphon off.  Because usually when I talked about her, I would feel both the love and grief I had for her.  I would allow that love to help heal my heart.

Now, four years later, I feel more love than grief when I tell people about my Makenna and her short wonderful life.  I know she is one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I am humbled to be her mother and learned so much from her.  Sharing my love and grief with others has not only helped me heal, it has made me a more compassionate woman, friend, mother, and wife.  I have been molded into a better person through my grief because I chose to let it.  

I took comfort and found hope talking with others who shared their grief with me.  Now, I can return the favor by sharing my experiences with others.   This is one positive aspect of traveling through grief:  being a shoulder to lean on for others.  

Each journey through grief is very personal...

Each journey through grief is a personal journey.  Unfortunately, there is no map, there is no set time table, and there is no straight path to follow.  We each have to find our own way.

However, I do believe in a loving God and I know that He can help us each individually find that path and even be there to lean on when we need Him the most.  I know God has helped me on my path.  I hate to admit it, but there were times I was angry at God for what happened.  This never brought me peace or comfort, only more despair.  However, in my darkest times and whenever I prayed to Him, I felt peace and comfort surround me and lift my burden, even if only a little.  I choose to follow the light and those things which are good.

God has now sent me and my family another miracle.  Makenna's baby brother.  A year after Makenna, I did want to try for another child, but my husband did not.  As I thought and prayed about it, I finally felt it was not right.  I didn't want another child, I wanted Makenna back.  That was not going to happen.  So, finally my husband and I both agreed we were done having kids and were happy with our two boys.

...Well, God had other plans for us.  He has sent us this little guy when we least expected it.  Without going into details, I had a less than 0.1% chance of getting pregnant.  Surprise is an understatement!

Even though I am a little apprehensive, I am so grateful for this miracle coming in our lives.  For it is a miracle.  I know that Makenna is preparing him to meet our family and that he will be a light to us.  Reminding us of the goodness of God and blessing from above.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts on grief.  I of course am not a professional and have not studied extensively on the subject.  I am just sharing what I have gone through and what has helped me in the hopes that this might be a comfort to some.  May God be with you as you search for your own paths through grief.

Sincerely,
Brienne Brown